Giving or Taking?

Yesterday in my Family Therapy class, we were listening to an audio file of a Couples Therapy session with clients my professor had a few years ago in another state. The husband made a comment that I found very interesting. He said that there are different kinds of touching: touching that is giving and touching that is taking. He felt like his wife was always taking--just touching him when she wanted to be close to someone, but not touching him when he needed it. We aren't just speaking about sexual touching, but also hugging, putting your arm around someone, putting a hand on their arm, anything. I'm not sure we can always tell which is which. Think about it. When you hug your friends, are you hugging them because you want a hug, or because you think they want a hug, or its become a habit? You just want to show them that you are happy to see them? Does it matter?

In marriage, sometimes it can matter a lot. Clearly, it mattered a lot to this guy because he felt neglected. I don't think there is anything wrong with seeking touch from your spouse when you need it. But are you paying attention to when your spouse needs it, and giving it to them even when you either 1) don't need it Or 2) don't even want it?

This really made me think about my own marriage because my husband is a touchy guy. Not in a weird way, but thats one of his main love languages. (If you haven't read The Five Love Languages, first of all, go out and get it! To sum up what I mean, you think about which of the five Love Languages would most upset you if it was absent from your relationship.) So, I know I'm not good at this. I've never been someone who has really felt the need to be touchy with people in general, although I think I've grown into it more because of my husband. Hearing that in a Couples Therapy session where they were talking about unmet needs, I thought, I really need to work on that, too! I need to give him more. He definitely would take a back scratch every night! I think that sometimes I'm not good at detecting that because its something that I don't feel the need for within myself. (The Five Love Languages also helps you think about improving your radar to be more aware of your partners love language needs, because often people are mostly focused on their own. Uh...maybe I should go back and read that book again.)

And what about our family members and friends? Are we good at sensing when someone needs a hug, or a pat on the back? Are we giving in that way, or only hugging and touching when WE feel the need to be close to someone?

I thought it was a very interesting concept. Its important to look for opportunities to show affection when we aren't seeking it for ourselves, but instead seek to comfort, encourage, and/or show love towards another person. Even when you don't feel like it---Give!

Something to think about.