So Sad

Yesterday I received a sad phone call from one of my college roommates. The college roommate that she had the year before she lived with me decided to take her own life on Sunday. She is obviously very upset....I can't imagine what I would do if someone called me and said that one of my roommates did that. Even if you haven't seen a roommate for awhile, its someone that you shared a year or more of your everyday life with...that doesn't leave you. Especially when that person is still a treasured friend.

What makes this situation extremely sad is that this girl is married and has a three year old. I had forgotten she had a child. Once my roommate mentioned that, I couldn't stop thinking about that child. What was so bad that you would be willing to abandon your child for the rest of their life? She apparently left a note that said she was "tired of being alone", but her husband had no idea that she was suicidal. Can you imagine your spouse taking their life, and you had no idea that they were even thinking about that? I know I would be angry. I wouldn't be able to stop thinking, "why didn't you SAY something and we could have gotten help for you?!?!"

These things actually made me angry. The thought of leaving her spouse without answers, and leaving her poor child with questions for the rest of its life...why???? What was so bad that she had to ruin the lives of the people she loved most? To make it even worse, her mother is the one who found her body. What is worse for a mother than experiencing the death of your child, especially when you find that child after they took their own life? I know that some of my anger comes from my experience of trying so desperately to have a child...and then hearing that someone just threw away their chance to be a parent for the rest of their lives. Suicide seems like such a selfish act to me. Don't people think about who they are leaving behind? And that the person that finds their body will probably be someone in their family or a close friend?

I didn't know this person very well in college, but she always struck me as a very strong person. One of those don't-mess-with-me girls. She was a good friend to my roommate. She was always very nice to me. Its hard to see why ending her life is worth putting all of these people through so much pain. Its not worth it. Whatever it was, it couldn't have been so bad that making her husband a widower and her child motherless what a better option.

I know its hard for me to understand this because I live with hope--my hope is in Christ. I know that I have to go through hard times in order to get to the good stuff. I understand that. I have confidence that God is in control and things are going to work out the way they are supposed to. Not just the way they are supposed to, but God's best way. I can't imagine living without that hope and that trust. I guess this girl didn't have that, and it makes me sad for her and her family.

Please say a prayer for her family, especially that precious child. That child will have a lot of questions for the rest of its life....why didn't mommy want to stay with me? It absolutely breaks my heart! I don't mean to judge her in writing this blog. I honestly feel sad, and like I said, angry for that husband and that child. Its always a tragedy when these things happen, and its all the more reason to be reaching out to those friends who are going through hard times without the love of Christ to get them through.

Amazed by Job

My bible study today focused on Job. I'm always deeply affected when reading this book. First of all, nothing in life seems that bad after you read about what Job went through. Seriously, I don't think any of us have experienced the number of horrible things happen all at once as Job did. Secondly, I am always amazed by Job's never-wavering faith. Completely Amazed.

First, God told Satan that "For there is no one like [Job] on the earth, a blameless and upright man fearing God and turning away from evil." What an incredible man he must have been for the God of heaven and earth to say such a thing. He's one of the first people I want to meet when I get to heaven! We can learn so very much from reading about this man.

So God told Satan he could take away and destroy all of Job's stuff, but he couldn't actually lay a hand on Job himself. Satan was convinced he could break Job's faith, and that he would actually curse God in the face of extreme adversity. Satan took armies, fire, and windstorms and wiped out all of Job's servants, animals, and children. And Job got news of these losses virtually all at once. His reaction always gets me in the gut:

"Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped. And he said, 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.'
Through all of this Job did not sin nor did he blame God." Job1:20-22

So, you just hear that you have essentially lost your house, your cars, your business, everyone who works for you, and worst of all, your children. What would be your first reaction? That's why this passage is always SO powerful to me. I want so badly to be like that, but I know that my first reactions would be nothing like Job's. In fact, I think it would take me a long time to even be able to get down and worship like that after something so devastating. My immediate focus would be on myself: What am I going to do? Why has this happened?

The other part of this passage that really gets me is when Job says something we have heard so many times: "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away." As a people, especially as Americans, I think, we have developed this intense sense of entitlement. Those are MY kids, MY servants, MY animals...why are you taking them away from ME? In fact, NOTHING belongs to us. Sure, we may have worked hard to "earn" it, so we think we have a right to it, but God GAVE EVERYTHING to us. Its not ours to keep. It doesn't even belong to us. The Lord blesses us when He decides to bless us and taken things away when He decides to do so. It takes me right back to that phrase: "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away." As hard as it can seem at the time, I MUST accept that. Nothing is mine to control, keep, store away, whatever.

Then God allows Satan to strike Job with disease. JOB STILL WORSHIPS and DOES NOT SIN. Seriously, at that point, I would be looking up at the sky screaming, "Are you KIDDING me?!?!" But Job, in all his wisdom, says, "Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" Job 2:10 Exactly. Job was greatly rewarded for his faithfulness through these horrible trials--trials God specifically gave Satan permission to inflict upon him.

I honestly think that one of the toughest lessons to learn in life is to continue to praise Him in the storm. The big, bad, this-really-sucks-when-is-this-going-to-be-over? storms. Especially when you see so many people around you that seem to be experiencing the exact joy and freedom you are longing for....it seems that no one else has to go through this crap that you have to experience. Why? Why NOW? WHY ME???

Well, why NOT me?

There is a song, that I think is by Casting Crowns that has made me cry many times while driving in my car. If I really listen to it, God tugs at my heart, helping me to truly worship Him:

I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are
no matter where I am
And every tear I cry
You hold in your hands
You've never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I'll praise you in this storm

Truth in the Storm

My devotional today focused on Luke 8:22-25:

"One day Jesus said to his disciples, 'Let's go over to the other side of the lake.' So they got into a boat and set out. As they sailed, He fell asleep. A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger. The disciples went and woke Him, saying, 'Master, Master, we're going to drown!' He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. 'Where is your faith?' he asked his disciples."

The disciples had seen Jesus perform miracles, but not seen His power over nature like this before. They were faced with an entirely new fear, and they allowed that fear to cause panic in them--even when Jesus was physically there, in the boat beside them!

This devotional book made a great point: "You can never know the truth of your circumstances unless you have first heard from Jesus....Since some of the disciples were fishermen, they trusted in their own expertise and wisdom rather than recognizing that only Jesus knew the truth of their situation." Wow. Don't we do that all the time? I know I do. You take your education, your previous experience, the advice of others, and assume you can handle it, or assume you already know what the outcome will be.

We all have something that happens in our lives like that storm. For some, it happens from time to time, and for others, its an ongoing struggle. I have been experiencing a storm that sometimes feels overwhelming like that, and other times I try to ignore the lightning and the waves and go about my day despite them. What a wonderful reminder: Jesus is in the boat with me. He's in your boat, too. Are you overcome with panic, or are you confident that He will calm the storm?

It gave me peace today to be reminded that He will calm my storm. I pray you can have that same peace.

a few things about me

Before I continue writing this blog, I thought I should share a few things about myself that may or may not help you to understand future postings. So, a few random things about me:

I have a major issue with all things sweet. I must have something sweet everyday, and sometimes after each meal. Its pretty much what I would classify as a need for my survival. My husband tells me that if I got used to not consuming sugar, I would not crave it anymore like I do now. But why would I want to get used to not eating it? I don't understand! My favorite cookies are from Cheryl & Co. (see link to their website to the right). The iced cookies are especially amazing, and the pumpkin iced cookies are my favorite. I love York peppermint patties and Junior Mints. Chocolate is always good. If you are a Houstonian and you haven't been to the Chocolate Bar, drop everything and go. Right now. Website link to the right. I'm not much of a cheesecake fan. People think thats weird, but I'm just not into it.

I also can't stand salad dressing, mayo, mustard, sour cream, relish or pickles of any kind. Yes, I mean all salad dressing. Why is it so weird that I actually like to taste the vegetables in my salad? Why drench them in something else entirely?

I like crafty things. I am just getting started with scrapbooking. I found a little shop and fell in love, then got on the internet and started buying up cute papers and things to make an album of the time we lived in Tennessee. All of those pictures, recital programs, etc. are in a huge box that needs to go away. I'm excited about it--I love having creative projects. I like to crosstitch, too, but haven't done that very much since I went back to school. I think my husband and I both really like cooking partially because its a creative process. And partially because we like to eat. I can honestly say that both my husband and I are good cooks--how blessed are we?!

Let's see...I'm the shortest in a family of tall people, but my husband is the tallest of his family. We have a cat named Mattie. Her given name is Mathilde because that is the character name of the nun I played in an opera the summer we met.

I drive a lot. I have put 50,000 miles on my car in two years. I have two part-time jobs paired with part-time school, but I love that. I've always thrived on business (busy-ness), but look forward to days of rest when I can sleep. I think I sleep more than the average adult. Seriously. Don't ask me to meet you for an early breakfast. And don't call me on Saturday morning.

I value the relationships in my life and I purposely try to work on them. One of my very favorite things to do is meet a friend for lunch/coffee/dinner/whatever and just talk for awhile. In fact, that's what I did last night and I loved it! I love investing my time in relationships. And reading good books. There's nothing like immersing yourself in a good book. I keep a lengthy list on my phone of books I want to read. I'm still the little girl who loved to go to the library and check out an entire stack of books, only now its a stack of books in Barnes & Noble or in my amazon.com cart.

Music. The obvious thing for me to point out about myself. I always find it amusing when people think that opera singers just sit around a listen to opera. They talk to you like you have no idea who anyone else is outside of your genre. Yes, I'm aware that others exist, and yes, I do listen to other genres, thank you. In fact, I wish I had more time to listen to a greater variety of music. I feel like I'm always missing out. Lately, I've been in an Alica Keys and Nora Jones kinda mood, and I'm loving the soundtrack from the movie Once. Not usually my style, but I'm diggin it. And I admit that I can definitely be a music snob. After you sit around and analyze music for seven years straight, you just can't help it.

And now I'm writing this blog. Its feels like a creative outlet, though I'm not sure I've been too creative so far! Bear with me....I'm just getting started!

Giving or Taking?

Yesterday in my Family Therapy class, we were listening to an audio file of a Couples Therapy session with clients my professor had a few years ago in another state. The husband made a comment that I found very interesting. He said that there are different kinds of touching: touching that is giving and touching that is taking. He felt like his wife was always taking--just touching him when she wanted to be close to someone, but not touching him when he needed it. We aren't just speaking about sexual touching, but also hugging, putting your arm around someone, putting a hand on their arm, anything. I'm not sure we can always tell which is which. Think about it. When you hug your friends, are you hugging them because you want a hug, or because you think they want a hug, or its become a habit? You just want to show them that you are happy to see them? Does it matter?

In marriage, sometimes it can matter a lot. Clearly, it mattered a lot to this guy because he felt neglected. I don't think there is anything wrong with seeking touch from your spouse when you need it. But are you paying attention to when your spouse needs it, and giving it to them even when you either 1) don't need it Or 2) don't even want it?

This really made me think about my own marriage because my husband is a touchy guy. Not in a weird way, but thats one of his main love languages. (If you haven't read The Five Love Languages, first of all, go out and get it! To sum up what I mean, you think about which of the five Love Languages would most upset you if it was absent from your relationship.) So, I know I'm not good at this. I've never been someone who has really felt the need to be touchy with people in general, although I think I've grown into it more because of my husband. Hearing that in a Couples Therapy session where they were talking about unmet needs, I thought, I really need to work on that, too! I need to give him more. He definitely would take a back scratch every night! I think that sometimes I'm not good at detecting that because its something that I don't feel the need for within myself. (The Five Love Languages also helps you think about improving your radar to be more aware of your partners love language needs, because often people are mostly focused on their own. Uh...maybe I should go back and read that book again.)

And what about our family members and friends? Are we good at sensing when someone needs a hug, or a pat on the back? Are we giving in that way, or only hugging and touching when WE feel the need to be close to someone?

I thought it was a very interesting concept. Its important to look for opportunities to show affection when we aren't seeking it for ourselves, but instead seek to comfort, encourage, and/or show love towards another person. Even when you don't feel like it---Give!

Something to think about.

ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK

What a sweet thing to see my hometown team win the national championship tonight!!!! My family has always been a KU family, as my Dad went to Med School at the University of Kansas. However, at my own home, we were a house divided tonight. My sweet husband's hometown team, the University of Memphis, was also playing for the national title. I feel like I shouldn't outwardly celebrate, but inside I am so excited for my Jayhawks!!!! What an amazing game! Congrats, KU! ROCK CHALK!!!!!

Struggles with Vanity

I had a theme running through my day: concern for our outward appearance. In my quiet time this afternoon, I was reading a devotion about the clay pot: how what it contains is valuable, but the pot itself is not of great value. In fact, it chips, dulls and deteriorates. Aren't we the same way? 2 Corinthians 4:16 says,

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed each day."

I could go on and say "its what's on the inside that make us beautiful" or any other line we've all heard. The fact is, I'm getting older and I have started to notice. And it really bothers me.

In the dressing room at the opera tonight, we gals had a little discussion about aging. Sure, we were all under age 35, but we are starting to feel the years slowly wear on us. For instance, our metabolisms aren't quite what they used to be. There are some lines around our eyes that we could have sworn weren't there last month, and if its not our back, its our feet. Come ON! I'm not even 30 yet!

Another fact is that its going to keep happening....and if we think its scary now, just wait folks! I have to take the time right now to say that my mom looks amazing for her age. Seriously. She has great skin, she maintains a healthy weight that looks good on her, she takes care of herself. And I'm sure there are parts of her appearance that she struggles with, but I am definitely thankful to have her genes. That said....

Why are we so obsessed with how we look? I mean, what does it matter? God doesn't care about our wrinkles or our love handles. Our spouses still love us. Surely our friends couldn't care less. We are valuable people. But so many of us really let it bother us--A LOT. I remember when bikini shopping was FUN! Now I would rather have the flu for a month. Or write a doctoral dissertation. Or clean a bunch of toilets.

Sure, I looked pretty cute when I was 18, but I was pretty naive. I did plenty of stupid things. I didn't know half of what I know now....and you know what, I'd rather keep that knowledge and experience than get my 18 year old body back. There. I said it. I value who I've grown to be over the body that's grown around me. Literally. UGH.

I've been convicted today. I need to stop not only focusing on what I don't like about my appearance, but also not to let it bother me so much. I need to think about how much I am valued by my God, my husband, my family, my friends. My faith grows, my knowledge, my experience, myself! Sure, I need to take care of my body, but I really need to stop being so hard on myself. Or let it get me down. Or make me cry when that favorite dress doesn't quite fit so well anymore.

I'll need to remind myself of this tomorrow when I get up and get dressed for work, when I get fitted for my next costume at the opera, when I go shopping for the outfit to wear to a wedding....and when I go in the bathroom in 10 minutes to get ready for bed and see myself in the mirror.

One step at a time.

What am I doing?

I decided to start a blog. One of my friends asked me, "what are you going to write about?" He passed on a blog from an incredibly smart and talented writer friend, explaining how a blog should have a point to be really good....well, I don't have one. Not specifically, anyway. I like to write down my thoughts and I like to keep in touch with people. I thought a blog would be fun. I'm sure I'll spell words incorrectly, use poor grammar, and not explain myself well. One of my high school English teachers told me that I was a B+ writer. I don't know if anyone will care about what I have to write, but here goes....

April 5th. Today is the birthday of two very dear friends of mine. They don't know each other, but each is the kind of friend who truly enriches my life and teaches me about unconditional friendship. One lives in the same city I do, and we seem to live parallel lives. We have repeatedly experienced the same major life events at the same time. Its gotten to the point where now we just laugh when we share what's going on, because inevitably, the other one says, "me, too!!!" Though very weird, its been an incredible blessing to have someone who knows exactly how you feel, it good times and in bad. You know you aren't alone in the big city!

My other friend lives halfway across the world. She has known me for so long, that sometimes she knows how I feel before I know myself. No matter how much times passes before we see each other again, we just pick back up where we left off. She has continuously lived a life of world traveling adventure, one that I know is often out of my comfort zone. I admire her for her bravery. I love how we can be completely honest with each other, show all sorts of flaws, and our friendship has never wavered.

Both of these women are amazingly talented in what they do. It absolutely blows my mind because I could never accomplish the things they have accomplished. Each of them have both challenged me and encouraged me in my faith over and over again. Happy Birthday, my dear sisters. I love you!

P. S. ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK! GO KU!!!!!