Identity Crisis

So, we've all heard of a mid-life crisis. But I'm having a hair color crisis. No, not like I accidentally died my hair blue like my best friend in high school (was that suppossed to be a secret? :)), but how my hair color is perceived by others. This fits right in with yesterday's writing about how other people perceive us...and yes, my audition went just fine, thank you.

Lately, people keep calling me blonde. Some of you may think: And? SO? There is something about women identifying ourselves as blonde, brunette, or redhead. There is a certain aspect of identity that goes with that, don't you agree ladies? People are always saying they feel kinda different when they drastically change their hair color, like it allows them to be a different person. Well, I didn't dye my hair. Nor do I want to dye my hair. I've always loved being a brunette. So is everyone color blind, or is my hair getting lighter? What the heck is going on?!?!

It all started a mere two years ago when I was sitting at my desk at a certain job that I am thankfully not in anymore. One of my office friends came to chat with me, and she said something like, "well, since your hair is blonde...." and I was like, WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!?! I'm BRUNETTE. She was clearly surprised by my reaction and even started disagreeing with me, firmly stating my hair was clearly blonde. I was flabberghasted(sp?) that someone would say that to me. (No offense to blondes, I'm not saying that being a blonde is a horrible thing, its just not what I have ever thought myself to be).

Fast forward to last week when I'm getting my hair put in pincurls for my wig at the opera. The wig lady, who I have known for six years, says something about my hair being blonde....WHAT?!?!?!? I told her my hair is not blond. She has been a hair stylist for her entire life, is now a grandmother, and in her professional opinion: my hair is blond.

A few days ago at work, one of the student assistents came to my office and said, "this student says she wants to see the blond academic advisor, so I thought it must be either you or [truly blond girl]." I was like, WHAT IS GOING ON?!?! I'm NOT a blonde!!!!

Today I write in my facebook status that people think I'm blonde, and then people proceed to write me messages that yes, they have always thought I was blonde.

I feel like I'm having an identity crisis.

I have always thought I was a brunette (ok, my hair was blonde for the first year or two of my life. Like REALLY pale yellow blond). Up until two years ago, I have NEVER had ANYONE say I'm blonde. I feel like the very image I had of myself is not accurate somehow. Its a weird feeling.

Sure, we are just speaking of hair color. But its part of who I am. I have never identified with the whole blonde thing. Everyone in my family has brown hair. I have always loved being a brunette....but am I? I just went in the bathroom at work and looked at my reflection. Maybe my hair has gotten lighter...or maybe its this terrible lighting? My friend said "she can see both" in my hair, but when someone asked her how many blondes are in our office, she said, "one"--NOT me!

So, those of you that have known me for years: brunette or blonde? Please post and discuss.
(And is it blond or blonde? I just noticed that I have been very inconsistent in my spelling of that word in this posting. Sorry to those of you who are anal-retentive spellers.)

I'm nervous today!

Today is the day that every HGO chorus member dreads. Every three years, we have to re-audition for our position in the chorus. People think that once you're in, you're in, but that's just not the case. Its a nerve-racking day because you have to stand up in front of our VERY particular and amazingly talented boss and pathetically try to make an impression upon him. Hopefully a good impression.

As all singers do, I have spent my days critiquing myself to the point where I think I'm a hopeless mess. I'm out of shape both physically and vocally, so I know I can't do what I used to be able to do. It just doesn't feel like it used to feel--getting up and singing an aria, that is. I know I'm better than a random girl off the street, but.....

And sure, I could have taken voice lessons to prepare. I could have started a work out regimen months ago (for more reasons than this audition!!!), but I haven't. The truth is, I'm just not that into it anymore. I love music, I love to sing....but all of that work just doesn't pay off the way it does when you are in grad school or out there trying to "make it" as a singer. I'm just a chorus girl now, who has a house in the suburbs, works in a different field and is back in school in yet another field.

So, it made me start thinking about my issues in general with how people see me. It just destroys me to think that I may walk out of that room tonight, my boss thinking, "she's not good anymore." Why should I care? I hate to disappoint people, especially people that I truly respect. And I enjoy singing with the opera. Its a low-pressure way to be a part of a really Good musical performance. And those people are like another family to us. So, its scary for me to think that this audition could cause me to lose that.

But where is God in all of this? He's right here. He has this all planned out already. All I have to do is show up, do my thing, and He will take care of the rest. I can't control the thoughts of my boss (wow, wouldn't that be cool?) and I can't make his decisions (that would be even better!!). So, I just have to wait, knowing that God will either give me the contracts and let me keep this gig, or He will have better things in store for me. I know that. Does it keep me from getting nervous? NO! AHHHH! Gotta work on that.

So, if anyone reads this before 7:10pm Wednesday, say a prayer for me. This auditioning stuff used to be so EASY for me. I could do audition after audition and feel good about them. I miss the feeling, but don't miss that life! :)

Answered Prayers

So, we've been dealing with a confusing and potentially expensive medical insurance situation. It's amazing how complicated that whole system is! Because my husbnad started a new job at the end of February, we had the choice to elect COBRA or buy some short-term stuff. We've been playing the game of waiting until the last possible deadline to do something without having to pay outrageous premiums. Things were looking pretty bleak. We thought we were going to have to pay a few thousand dollars, and it was starting to make me feel pretty stressed out. While I was getting ready this morning, I prayed out loud for God to resolve this issue for us today (I knew I would be speaking with someone on the phone about it later). Well, God provided me with a wonderful friend in the insurance field who has been very generous about taking time to research for us and explain everything in detail. And guess what? A few hours after my prayer, we discovered we only have to pay $140!!!! We were expecting almost $3,000 at the worst (which is what we thought it was earlier this week!). I can't tell you how grateful I am to God and my friend who has helped us. That prayer this morning made me recognize that God was behind this stressful situation the entire time, and I just had to wait to see the blessing He had planned all along. Even when I "know that" in my head, I tend to allow myself to be overwhelmed by stressful situations, and unfortunately tend to get snappy with my hubby when I'm stressed out. I really needed that reminder that God is ALWAYS behind it all......

My devotional reading this morning also highlighted how we can focus on ourselves in a situation instead of focusing God. The book I was reading mentioned how we tend to act in relationships and at work based upon other people. For instance, if our boss or co-worker isn't giving us what we need or making things difficult, its really easy to not work very hard because we are upset. Or, if a friend is dropping the ball and not calling or keeping in touch, we can retaliate by thinking, "she didn't call me, why should I call her?" Because we are suppossed to love that friend as Christ loves us, not as they are currently loving us. We are suppossed to work hard because we are working to be light in a world of darkness. This made me think about some specific things in my life where I need to step up. I need to do my best, regardless of what the people around me are doing, because I need to work for GOD. I need to be LIGHT. It doesn't matter whether or not other people hold up their end of the bargain.

So I'm working on it. Sometimes I work too hard on it, and then I end up right back in the first paragraph where I'm overwhelmed and stressed...and the circle continues. I have been doing more quiet times in the morning lately, and its helped me tremendously to start my day with my mind and my heart focused correctly. I do the QTs with a big cup of coffee, but they happen! :)