I'm nervous today!

Today is the day that every HGO chorus member dreads. Every three years, we have to re-audition for our position in the chorus. People think that once you're in, you're in, but that's just not the case. Its a nerve-racking day because you have to stand up in front of our VERY particular and amazingly talented boss and pathetically try to make an impression upon him. Hopefully a good impression.

As all singers do, I have spent my days critiquing myself to the point where I think I'm a hopeless mess. I'm out of shape both physically and vocally, so I know I can't do what I used to be able to do. It just doesn't feel like it used to feel--getting up and singing an aria, that is. I know I'm better than a random girl off the street, but.....

And sure, I could have taken voice lessons to prepare. I could have started a work out regimen months ago (for more reasons than this audition!!!), but I haven't. The truth is, I'm just not that into it anymore. I love music, I love to sing....but all of that work just doesn't pay off the way it does when you are in grad school or out there trying to "make it" as a singer. I'm just a chorus girl now, who has a house in the suburbs, works in a different field and is back in school in yet another field.

So, it made me start thinking about my issues in general with how people see me. It just destroys me to think that I may walk out of that room tonight, my boss thinking, "she's not good anymore." Why should I care? I hate to disappoint people, especially people that I truly respect. And I enjoy singing with the opera. Its a low-pressure way to be a part of a really Good musical performance. And those people are like another family to us. So, its scary for me to think that this audition could cause me to lose that.

But where is God in all of this? He's right here. He has this all planned out already. All I have to do is show up, do my thing, and He will take care of the rest. I can't control the thoughts of my boss (wow, wouldn't that be cool?) and I can't make his decisions (that would be even better!!). So, I just have to wait, knowing that God will either give me the contracts and let me keep this gig, or He will have better things in store for me. I know that. Does it keep me from getting nervous? NO! AHHHH! Gotta work on that.

So, if anyone reads this before 7:10pm Wednesday, say a prayer for me. This auditioning stuff used to be so EASY for me. I could do audition after audition and feel good about them. I miss the feeling, but don't miss that life! :)