It's been awhile...

The last time I blogged was one year ago today. It's been a crazy year. We have endured unemployment and everything that goes with that, as well as continued infertility. I started a new job that consumes much of my time, so other things in life had to be sacrificed. I'm amazed that in a year filled with such deep emotion, I haven't wanted to write. It's as if there are so many painful things to confront, that writing about it forces me to confront them and think about them.

Unfortunately, this has been the same in my spiritual life. Having an intense quiet time or lengthy prayer session forces me to confront the painful feelings that have come to define my life: infertility. I can't sit down with God without bawling my eyes out. Who wants to do that everyday? It's exhausting! If I try to avoid it, its like God and I have a huge elephant in the room that I'm trying not to acknowledge. It doesn't work very well.

Recently, I read a book called Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. Jennifer has experienced numerous horrific experiences related to her infertility. Reading this book was like someone took all of the thoughts in my head that I haven't wanted to say, or haven't found ways to express, and put them in this book. It has been so refreshing to know that other women experience the same thoughts and feelings that I do. She also writes to the friends and families of couples who are going through infertility struggles, and if you are one yourself, I highly recommend this book!

The comfort the book gives me doesn't solve everything, of course. People say all kinds of things, trying to be helpful or encouraging. Adopting will not suddenly make me pregnant. Not thinking about it will not help us to conceive. Everyone seems to think that I should relax, and that will suddenly cure all. And then there is trusting God with everything, and it will happen for me. How do you know that?

Honestly, I do trust God with my life. I truly do. That doesn't mean I understand why this is happening. That doesn't mean I have a smile on my face. And all the trust in the world to my Lord will not make me pregnant. My infertility does not reflect lack of faith, love or trust in my God. God's plan may just be that we are not meant to be parents to our own biological children, and being ok with that (eventually) is all part of trusting Him. And if we will be parents, this path is one God wants to take us along to serve Him in the end. THAT is why I need to trust Him, and I do. I see that He did this with Jennifer Saake, who started her ministry and wrote this book to bring comfort to hurting women like me.

Father's Day is an emotional day for me in many ways. Read my previous Father's Day blog and you'll see how much I love my Dad. Father's day also makes me think about my Father God. He has blessed me richly, but we still have this elephant in the room that I struggle with everyday. And there is my husband, who I so desperately wanted to make a father years ago, and each year that gets harder and harder.

What do you do when you encounter someone struggling with infertility? The story about your friend who got pregnant after years of trying actually isn't very comforting to us. I know you are just trying to make us feel better. If you don't know what to say, just something like, "I'm so sorry. I know this must be very hard for you and your spouse." Offer to pray for us. Simple acknowledgement and lack of judgement are best and most appreciated.

I know this may be more than you want to know! I feel that this topic, although "out there" because most of us know someone who has experienced infertility, isn't adequately addressed by our churches and communities. It is HARD to go to a church (like mine) when you are constantly surrounded by babies and pregnant women. People just don't think before they speak, often judge harshly, or blow it off like "you'll get pregnant eventually, just trust God!" God doesn't even make that promise.

My prayer is that people are sensitive to the inner struggles of those around them, whatever those struggles may be. You never know why someone is acting the way they are or making a choice they make. Keep your mind open and remember that they may be hurting.